Laughter is the Best Medicine. No wait, booze is.

Ok. Stop it, Jezebel. You continue to bring me the best and most giggle inducing news ever.

Apparently, there were cleverly-named cocktails available at the RNC, including the Conservative Collins, the Right Stuff Mojito, and Lady Lemonade.

However, a sharp-tongued commenter at Jezebel one-upped the RNC mixologists with a  list of female-friendly cocktails the commenter wished they served:

Menstrual Bloody Mary, Martini Tiny Fetus, Long Island Iced Tea Party, Dark ‘n Stromy, Mitt Julep, Freedom 75, and the kicker … Old Fashioned

So so soooo good.

Of course, it would be totally unfair for the RNC to have such awesome cocktails and the DNC to have nothing. So, in the spirit of self-deprecation, I submit my list of liberal-friendly cocktails I hope the DNC serves:

The Homojito

The (Legitimate) Grape Crush

Mind Eraser (Helps You Forget the Last 4 Years)

The Slippery Slope Nipple (soon, even boob jobs will be covered under the ACA)

The Smith & Wesson (you can still drink it, even if you can’t carry it.)

And of course, all drinks will be free since liberals LOVE to give stuff away for free.

Special thanks to the hilarious open-minded conservative atty who helped me craft this list. Obviously, we’re getting a lot done at work today.

Teach Your Children Well

I have been going back to school for 24 years this fall (or maybe not, I stopped taking math my freshman year of high school…) and I still get excited for the first day of school.

When I first started teaching, I didn’t consider the mindset of my students because I thought I was hip and with it and also because I was scared shitless. But as the years have worn on, I have discovered that the older I get, the more out of touch I get. I’m pretty sure I am now Regina George’s mother. (I’m not like a regular mom, I’m a cool mom!)

That’s why the Beloit College Mindset List is one of the most exciting parts of back to school for me. If you haven’t read this year’s, check it out here. You can also search for your college graduation year and see if your mind-set matches up!

Since this years freshmen class was born in 1994, there are lots of really important things that they don’t know. Things that they NEED to know to help bridge the gap between us.

Kurt Cobain

Rock god and Courtney Love’s (you know, crazy lady smoking in a shopping cart, sang Celebrity Skin) husband, he gave us flannel and angst. Cobain’s death was jarring for all of us grunge-lovers – his suicide note brought us to tears, and the images from the video of Cobain’s house and Kurt Loder’s report MTV News have seared themselves in our brains. Cobain wrote music that was music – something that is tough to find in the new “rock” bands of today.

Keep this in mind when I frown at your insistence on listening to Justin Bieber and make you listen to “classic” rock lyrics that mean something. Roll your eyes later.

Cell Phones

THERE WAS A TIME WHEN WE DIDN’T HAVE CELL PHONES. No seriously. I was recently telling a story about this one time at a Blink 182 concert when my bffl threw up red slushy and was whisked away to a hospital because a whole bunch of kids took bad acid and security thought the red slushy was blood resulting from a bad acid trip and we didn’t know where she went or what happened because we weren’t with her when it happened and WE COULDNT GET A HOLD OF HER BECAUSE WE DIDNT HAVE CELL PHONES.

My first cell phone. Seriously.

So I guess I’ll have to remember that this year’s freshmen have always had cell phones and have always been in constant contact with each other and not get phone crushingly angry when I hear the horrifying sounds of a student’s Call Me Maybe ringtone.

Internet

You guys, we also didn’t have the internet. So when we had to write a paper or do a project or… do anything, we had to go to the library. And then we looked up things using a computer that didn’t connect to the internet. And then we wrote down the reference number using the Dewey Decimal system and walked over to find a book.

Keep this in mind when I am losing my shit and writing in giant red letters “WIKIPEDIA IS NOT A VALID SOURCE. DO YOU KNOW WHERE THE LIBRARY IS?! GO TO IT.”

Robert DiNero

Holy moly, Robert DiNero used to be so smokin’ hot I can’t even stand it. Apparently, this year’s freshmen class only knows the legendary Bobby D as the dad in Meet the Fockers and that is a major disappointment. Check him out as Jimmy Conway in Goodfellas or Jake La Motta in Raging Bull or Frank Rosenthal in Casino. Yum.

I just needed you guys to know this. There’s no real reason here.

Obviously this list isn’t exhaustive, but I figured it would get the ball rolling towards a better rapport between me and my students.

So help me out! What important things do you think this year’s incoming class needs to know? If you’re in this year’s incoming class, what should your old fart teachers know?

Related articles

• How 2012 college freshmen see the world (kshb.com)

I am Woman, Hear Me Roar.

I just can’t.

I have spent the last week+ staring, mouth agape at the internets, news outlets, and twitter trying to formulate a coherent response to the absolutely horrifying comments made by Todd Akin, Paul Ryan, Steve King and a whole bunch of other people on both party lines. And I just can’t.

But, Erin Gloria Ryan over at Jezebel has done a pretty phenomenal job putting my thoughts into words (I am sort of concerned she has burrowed into my brain), so instead of continuing to try to respond, I will quote her:

“What needs to happen before spouting ignorant, anti-woman crap in public is uniformly met with the same sort of derision we now reserve for politicians who appeal to ethnic stereotypes during drunken tirades? How much longer are we all going to have to stay angry, after our mothers spent their lives angry? And is it even working?

Eventually a person gets to the point where they can longer withstand the constant blitzkrieg of bullshit. So, Steve King, Todd Akin, and shouty Twitter conservatives: you win. Rape outrage limit reached. I have given this all of my fucks, and the fucks I have given are still not enough fucks. So many more fucks need to be given, and I have exhausted my fuck supply. The fucks are on backorder. Employees are working overtime to restock my fucks, but in the meantime, please accept this 10% off coupon while we wait for the fucks to arrive via FedEx. I’ll be over here, drinking wine from a Pac Man mug and watching cartoons.”

Just replace “Pac Man mug” with “Bob Marley mug” and “watching cartoons” with “watching That 70′s Show” and her response is exactly what I have been thinking.

While Erin and I spend some time refueling our fuck supply, I thought you should know that there are lots of really really really awesome people out there with unlimited awesomeness that they continue to share with society in spite of the glut of women-hating politicians and pundits running around spewing hate.

So if you need to take a break from being angry/sad/horrified, check out just a few of my favorite (feminist) organizations – these people inspire me to keep on keepin’ on, so I’m sure they’ll help combat your war on women fatigue:

Hollaback! (Wooo woo!)

“Hollaback is a movement to end street harassment powered by a network of local activists around the world.  We work together to better understand street harassment, to ignite public conversations, and to develop innovative strategies to ensure equal access to public spaces. By collecting women and LGBTQ folks’ stories and pictures in a safe and share-able way with our very own mobile phone applications, Hollaback! is creating a crowd-sourced initiative to end street harassment. Hollaback! breaks the silence that has perpetuated sexual violence internationally, asserts that any and all gender-based violence is unacceptable, and creates a world where we have an option—and, more importantly—a response.”

Girls, Inc.

Girls Inc. inspires all girls to be strong, smart, and boldSM through life-changing programs and experiences that help girls navigate gender, economic, and social barriers. Research-based curricula, delivered by trained, mentoring professionals in a positive all-girl environment equip girls to achieve academically; lead healthy and physically active lives; manage money; navigate media messages; and discover an interest in science, technology, engineering, and math. The network of local Girls Inc. nonprofit organizations serves 125,000 girls ages 6 – 18 annually across the United States and Canada.

RH Reality Check

RH Reality Check is an online community and publication serving individuals and organizations committed to advancing sexual and reproductive health and rights. Protection is our watchword—we are contributing to the global effort to empower people with the information, services and leadership they need to safeguard their sexual and reproductive health and rights and to guard against false attacks and misinformation.

RH Reality Check exists as a resource for evidence-based information, provocative commentary, and interactive dialogue. We enjoyed the support of the UN Foundation and the editorial independence entrusted to us for six years, from 2006-2012. In January 2012 we branched off officially as our own independent 501 c3 (non-profit) organization, and that’s what we are today.

The Crunk Feminist Collective

The Crunk Feminist Collective (CFC) will create a space of support and camaraderie for hip hop generation feminists of color, queer and straight, in the academy and without, by building a rhetorical community, in which we can discuss our ideas, express our crunk feminist selves,  fellowship with one another, debate and challenge one another, and support each other, as we struggle together to articulate our feminist goals, ideas, visions, and dreams in ways that are both personally and professionally beneficial.

The FBomb

The FBomb.org is a blog/community created by and for teenage girls who care about their rights as women and want to be heard. The main purpose of the fbomb is to create a community and dialogue amongst teenage girls, and therefore any and all submissions are accepted on an ongoing basis. There is no limit for the number of submissions per person and multiple submissions and submissions sent over time are encouraged.

There are so many super rad organizations out there supporting girls and women so it was kinda hard to just pick a few of my favorites, but I think you get the point.

Yes, there is a war on women, but look at our army. We rock.

What are some of your favorite organizations, blogs, collectives by and for women? I’m always on the lookout – please share!

And ok… I do have one thing to say about the whole media mess:

Kramer v. Kramer meets Goodfellas and a family is torn apart

I’ve been teaching law for nearly five years now  and during that time I’ve introduced the Miller v. Jenkins debacle to countless students. And prior to teaching, while I was a student myself, we talked about the Miller v. Jenkins case in class. So you can see that this has been going on for a very long time, judging by the depth of the wrinkle in my forehead.

Exhibit A: Wrinkle from years of disbelief re: Miller v. Jenkins

If you’re not familiar with the Miller v. Jenkins case, I’ll bring you up to speed. Janet Jenkins and Lisa Miller were once a happy couple. The pair met in Virginia in 1997 and were united in civil union in Vermont in 2000. In 2002, Lisa and Janet decided to have a child and Lisa was impregnated through in vitro fertilization after both Janet and Lisa chose a donor. When Lisa gave birth later that year in Virginia, Janet was in the room.

The new family then moved to Fair Haven, VT so they could raise their family in a state that sanctioned their civil union. In 2003, Lisa attempted to get pregnant again, but suffered a miscarriage. In September of 2003, Janet and Lisa separated with Janet signing a promise to pay child support and an agreement that she would stay in her daughter’s life. In 2004, a Vermont court formally dissolved Janet and Lisa’s civil union and granted custody to Lisa with visitation rights to Janet.

This all seems pretty standard, right? Even if we look at it through a lens of heteronormativity – pair are married, have a kid, get divorced, custody to utero-mom with visitation to “dad”.

But things got ridiculous. Lisa moved to Virginia, a state that does not recognize civil unions or same-sex marriage. Even so, Janet would drive from Vermont to Virginia to visit her daughter, often making the ten-hour trip only to discover that Lisa had “disappeared” with their daughter before Janet got there. Lisa continued to block Janet’s visits until she teamed up with lawyers from Liberty Law School, Reverend Jerry Falwell‘s law school in Virginia, and filed suit in Virginia court seeking to determine that Janet is not a parent and is therefore not entitled to visitation or any parental rights.

Because of the federal Defense of Marriage Act, which allows individual states to define marriage as between a man and a woman, Virginia was free to say no to same-sex marriage. And because of the DOMA, Virginia could also refuse to recognize a same-sex marriage valid in another state. As a result, Lisa, her attorneys, and Reverend Falwell could all argue that Janet should not be considered a parent to Isabella because Isabella was the biological daughter of Lisa and not Janet. In addition, Lisa’s legal team could argue that Janet should have no rights to Isabella because there was no valid union between Lisa and Janet.

Initially, the Virginia court sided with Lisa and said that Janet was not a parent to Isabella. So Janet didn’t see her daughter for 2 years.

Now, everyone knows that family law issues are messy, but they are especially messy for same-sex couples because a lot of our legal assumptions in custody and parenting issue are based on heterosexual relationships. For example, if a man and a woman are legally married and the woman has a child, it is legally presumed that the husband is the father. Presumptions like that don’t necessarily exist for same-sex couples.

Not only that, but with custody and divorce disputes there are all of these rules that lay out where you can bring your case. And if you bring your case in the wrong state, that court can’t make a decision… even if that court is Virginia and wants to make a point to preserve heterosexual marriage.

And that’s what happened here. The Virginia Supreme Court ruled that Vermont still had jurisdiction over the custody dispute, regardless of DOMA and Virginia’s stance on same-sex unions. So the case goes back to the Vermont court and they set up a new schedule of visitation for Janet and Isabella.

But Janet never got to see her daughter. Lisa began blocking visits. And once the Vermont court threatened to transfer custody to Janet because of Lisa’s failure to follow court orders, Lisa and Isabella disappeared. With the help of Kenneth Miller, a Mennonite minister from Virginia, Lisa and her daughter fled to Nicaragua .

And Janet hasn’t seen her daughter since.

On Tuesday, Kenneth Miller was convicted of orchestrating Lisa and Isabella’s disappearance and faces up to 3 years in prison. That same day, Janet’s attorney’s filed suit against Lisa Miller, Reverend Falwell, Liberty University School of Law, Falwell’s related ministries, and several individuals who helped Lisa and Isabella escape. The lawsuit alleges violations of RICO, the federal Racketeer Influenced and Corrupt Organizations Act, by the defendants through conspiring to and carrying out kidnapping, money laundering, and mail fraud.

Lisa and Isabella are thought to be somewhere in Nicaragua, but their exact whereabouts are unknown. Interpol and the FBI have gotten involved and there are a whole bunch of lawyers on either side fighting back and forth. But at the end of the day this whole mess has just one result.

Janet Jenkins is unable to see her daughter.

 

Related articles

• Va. pastor guilty in same-sex union custody case (news.yahoo.com)

NFL: 1, Congress: 0

Pre-season football has started again and here in New England, we are ALL ABOUT IT. I won’t pretend to know anything about football, but growing up in Boston means that the Patriots are a constant background buzzing, even if you aren’t a die-hard fan.

You know what I mean – you can identify Belichick’s gruff mumble “well, uh, we did our best but we’ve got some things to work on and we’ll continue to address that” faster than the opening beats of Call Me Maybe, you have a grubby old logo Patriot’s hoodie in your dresser just waiting for cold fall games, and you can still remember where you were the night Adam Vinatieri kicked the field goal in the snow bowl.

And it is with that constant buzz of Patriots that we carry on with our daily lives, any Patriots-related news item peaking our interest. Which is why the news of Chad “OchoCinco” Johnson’s arrest for assaulting his wife and his subsequent drop from the Dolphin’s roster is even on my radar.

I won’t pretend to know why he legally changed his name to Ochocinco, although I have a vague idea that it has something to do with his number on whatever team he played well for before coming to the Patriots. I won’t pretend that I know his statistics while he played for the Pats (or if I did, what they mean), but I do know that when I did see him play, no one seemed to be impressed. And I won’t pretend to have known that he ended up being picked up by the Dolphins.

But I do know this: he was arrested for head-butting his wife on Saturday during an argument. And then, the Dolphins cut him from the roster. It’s a swift message from the Dolphins that Johnson isn’t worth the baggage he comes with, but it can also be viewed as a message that domestic violence will not be tolerated by the organization.

If only Congress could act as quickly as the Dolphins to send the same message. In April of this year, I blogged about the Reauthorization of the Violence Against Women Act. To date, Congress has still not signed the VAWA into law. In fact, unless something changes, it seems unlikely that the VAWA will be signed anytime soon. You see, members of Congress are currently home with their families, possibly until after Labor Day… and then Congress will be in session for just a few weeks in September, heading home until after the elections.

The Violence Against Women Act was first passed in 1994. Since its passage, programs at the state and national level have dramatically improved the national response to domestic violence, sexual assault and stalking. Reporting of domestic violence has increased as much as 51%, all 50 states have passed laws making stalking a crime and strengthened rape laws, and intimate partner homicide has decreased by 34% for women and 57% for men.

But VAWA needs to be reauthorized in order to continue to build progress towards ending domestic violence. With the reauthorization, funds will be available to meet the unmet needs of domestic violence victims, including the 25% of victims who remain on wait lists for crisis center services. Not only that, but the reuthorization of VAWA will include protections and services for LGBTQ victims who are dramatically underserved and often discriminated against when seeking services.

It’s time for Congress to send the same message that the Dolphins have – domestic violence will not be tolerated.

So talk to your Congress persons and put pressure on them to pass a comprehensive Reauthorization of VAWA. For information on the current status of the reauthorization, a helpful tool kit for talking to your Congress person, personal stories, and statistical information, check out the National Task Force to End Sexual and Domestic Violence Against Women’s 4VAWA website: http://4vawa.org/

Related articles

• Dolphins’ Johnson arrested on domestic violence charge (sportsillustrated.cnn.com)
• Chad Johnson Arrested For Domestic Violence Against Evelyn Lozada: REPORT (huffingtonpost.com)

My middle name is Xcellent.

Hooray! Obama paid for my birth control yesterday!

Ok. I know he didn’t really. But I also know that the birth control mandate isn’t an attack on America, like “December 7th, that’s Pearl Harbor Day. [or] September 11th, the day the terrorists attacked” like Representative Mike Kelly, a republican from PA seems to think.

While Representative Kelly’s remarks have drawn criticism from both sides of the aisle, the birth control mandate and the Affordable Care Act remain contentious and hotly debated.

But no matter where you stand, the ACA pushes for equality. In fact, the ACA and the birth control mandate take giant leaps to stop having a case of vagina from being a pre-existing condition. Under the health care law, discrimination against women is illegal in the insurance market. Insurers can’t charge women more than men just because they’re women.

Not only that but a whole bunch of services that are essential in helping women to stay healthy are now being covered without co-pays.  This is in addition to other important services for both men AND women that are being covered without copays, like cholesterol screenings and flu shots.

And that’s still a reason for celebration.

Related articles

• Republican Congressman Compares Expanded Birth Control Access To September 11th, Pearl Harbor (thinkprogress.org)

All that glitters

Ready to get personal again? I’ve got a semi-secret to share with you – something that my closest friends are well aware of and I’m wanting to bring you in on this absolutely fascinating aspect of my identity.

Here it is: I become overwhelmingly terrified whenever I start to think about paper money. Essentially, I am uncomfortable with the fact that our system of paper money is not backed up by gold anymore and I am unable to have a serious conversation with anyone about this without shouting “BUT WHAT ABOUT THE RUBLE?!” (I suppose I should update my monetary panic phrase to “BUT WHAT ABOUT THE DRACHMA?!” but it always goes back to Russia for me.)

Russian 1000 Ruble Note 1993 (Photo credit: LostBob Photos)

ANYWAY, last night I was sort of listening to Nightside with Dan Rea as I drove home and he mentioned, in passing, that U.S. Olympic medalists have to pay taxes on their medals. I, of course, immediately began freaking out and wondering what the actual amount of gold exists in gold medals.

Olympic Medals and Reflections (Photo credit: Kevin H.)

Well, it turns out there’s not actually that much. A gold medal has only about 1% actual gold and is made up of mostly copper and silver – it’s valued at about $644 which means that there wouldn’t be that much tax liability for a gold medal.  A silver medal is worth about $330 and a bronze medal is only worth about $5.

So if you were planning on burying gold medals in your backyard just in case we have another greenback/ruble/drachma/euro/Shrutebucks situation, don’t bother. Apparently, all that glitters isn’t really gold.

Related articles

• What’s A Gold Medal Really Worth? (npr.org)
• Ruble Headed For Biggest Slide In Week After Crude Oil Declines (undisputedlegal.wordpress.com)