In the spirit of the season and also click-bait “Top 5 Asinine Remarks with .GIF Images” posts, I’m giving y’all my Top 5 Least Favorite Christmas Songs. Every year, I have the same complaints about these songs and it’s just not fair that only my close friends and family get to hear them. (And also maybe my students while we’re waiting for someone to open their presentation…)
Baby, It’s Cold Outside
I will admit, I love Zoey Deschenel’s voice in her version of this song. I love a good duet. I love how catchy the lyrics are, but I can’t get past how rapey the song is. The song was originally written sans-creepy intent, by a husband and wife who considered it their song and was later used in the film Neptune’s Daughter with the roles of “wolf” and “mouse” reversed, so that the woman was the pursuer. But today, the lyrics only remind me of how shitty our portrayal of hetero relationships is and the craptastic power dynamic between men and women. When pop culture encourages women to be coy and demure in matters of hetero sexcapades, we’re doing men and women and consent a disservice.
And I don’t want to think about all of that while I’m drunkenly smiling into my eggnog.
Do They Know Its Christmas?
The song was originally written in 1984 for Band Aid, in an effort to raise awareness of the famine in Ethiopia and raise money for ?. I just got lost in an internet wormhole trying to figure out where the funds from Band Aid and Live Aid went and there’s a lot of speculation that the money ended up going to rebels. So there’s that. And there’s also the lyrics of one of the most supremely smug and disgusting songs about charity ever. “No rain or rivers flow…” Uhh, the Nile? The Congo? The Niger? “Tonight let’s raise a glass to everyone, spare a thought this yuletide for the deprived.” Gross.
The Christmas Shoes
Is there a song that better portrays consumerism and wealth disparity in America? <– that sentence even makes me cringe. I just can’t with this song. Why is this kid so dirty? Why does his terminally ill mother NEED shoes? Why are they expensive shoes? WHY IS THERE A SONG ABOUT THIS? And if this truly is some sort of act of God to make you think about the Christmas season, why would buying a pair of overpriced shoes be all you did? Ugh. Stop.
Despite being one of the few Christmas hits written by a woman and a really great earworm, this song drives me insane. If you thought my complaints about consumer culture were a little far-fetched in my Christmas shoes rant, check out the lyrics to Santa Baby. A sable? A yacht? A diamond ring? All while sung in a sex-pot baby voice? This is Christmas?
Grown Up Christmas List
Stop wishing, start working. When you were younger Christmas was magical and now it’s not? Work on bringing joy to others and you’ll bring joy to yourself. Everyone grows up and when they do, it’s time to turn “innocence of youth” into global awareness. Stop whining.
Now, lest you think I’m a Christmas party pooper, there are a lot of Christmas songs I love. I was raised Roman Catholic so choirs of angels rejoicing really makes me happy during Christmas.
I have a soft spot for Adeste Fidelis, the Latin version of Oh Come All Ye Faithful
I also cry every time I hear I’ll Be Home for Christmas (the Jimmy Buffett version)
And I love to hate I Want a Hippopatmus for Christmas
I can’t get enough of Oi! to the World
But my favorite Christmas Song of ALL TIME?